Response to ‘Miserable and Middle-Aged. Is something wrong with you?’ by Pamela Paresky on Psychology Today.
“When people are not content with life...they can start to feel unhappy about being unhappy. Then, being unhappy about being unhappy makes them feel even worse, and the feedback loop creates a downward spiral, leading to a deepening hole of dissatisfaction.” Quote from article
We put too much pressure on ourselves to maintain an extreme emotion and a fleeting state. That’s like saying I want to live forever on a roller coaster or a ground hog day of my wedding for the rest of my life. We can’t live in these extremes for many reasons.
If we do stay in a state of happiness for let’s say a year, this concept of experiencing a high level of joy, pleasure, peace or calm (different ways that my clients have used different words to illustrate their perception of happiness) will lose it’s value.
Why does it lose it’s value? Have you ever purchased something and was super excited about it in the beginning, and then got bored of it over time? Yes, we all have. The emotional state of happiness is the same, you will become accustomed to it over time.
If we only live in a state of happiness, we wouldn’t actually see it as feeling pleasure or joy, because we have no contrasting states to compare it to. If we only lived in a happy state, we would realistically experience it as neutral or mediocre.
We need to experience, sadness, dissatisfaction, hopelessness, anger etc to be able to feel the high of joy, pleasure and contentment. It’s like yin and yang, we cannot have one without the other, we innately find ourselves in a lived experience that requires balance.
So what am I supposed to do with the ups and downs? you may be asking.
Learn to practice acceptance.
When you notice a strong emotion, name it, take a deep breath, and continue about your day. When we can name it, we can tame it.
Reading recommendation to practice acceptance: The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
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